Out of every funeral service I've conducted, the most controversial is still the funeral for someone who happened to be gay. Why? Because people still discriminate.
When people find out that I officiate Celebration of Life Services as a Celebrant, eventually they ask the question: Have you ever conducted a gay funeral? That question still surprises me.
While I wouldn't exactly label any of my funerals "gay" because we focus on the life lived by sharing life stories, other people do label those events "gay." Whether someone is straight or gay doesn't matter and I don't tell intimate details about the bedroom from the pulpit no matter who died. But I do include stories of care and love, no matter someone's gender.
My bottom line: Everyone should be able to find love on this earth and no one should be alone. I'm grateful when people find love. It's rare to find love in this world and far too many people are depressed, suicidal and alone. To me, funeral service is about acceptance, love and forgiveness, not about judgment of a lifestyle or life choices.
When other pastors or pastor/celebrants decline to conduct a funeral for a decedent who was gay, I've gotten those calls. Other officiants have told me directly and admitted that they were offered the funeral first but refused to conduct the service because the deceased was gay. "I would never conduct that funeral because he was gay." I've been told that. But that same officiant has admittedly conducted services for adulterers, murderers and potentially a variety of other criminals.
While I may not agree with officiants who decline a funeral service for that reason, ultimately, it is the officiant's choice to decline services.
In 2015, this is still going on and it's probably one of the best kept secrets in the funeral industry.
When a funeral home offers a funeral service to an officiant, but it is declined, the funeral home must make phone calls until they find someone who will officiate.
Funeral homes do not discriminate against someone's lifestyle.
Funeral homes do not discriminate against someone's criminal record.
Funeral homes do not discriminate. Period.
All dollars paid for services are equal in funeral homes.
When it comes to church funerals, headlines like the following are only now being seen.
With Casket Open, Denver Pastor Stops Funeral Because Deceased Was Gay, Then Blames 'Technical Difficulties'
Pastor Cancels Gay Man's Funeral - Florida
Did churches in Arkansas actually refuse to hold a funeral for a gay man?
These are only some of the stories happening in churches.
More often than a newspaper headline, those funerals are declined early in the process when it's discovered that the deceased wasn't a member of the church. It's an easy, indirect exit and no one is the wiser to say, "Our church is unable to conduct the funeral because he wasn't a member of the church." But what if someone who was gay was actually a long-time tithing member of the church? His or her money was okay to accept to build and support the church, but conducting his or her funeral was out of the question? Are gay people not welcome to become members of a church? Well, if they're members, they're entitled to funeral services, right?
Today, I got a call from a priest who wants to conduct more funeral services freelance in Southern California. He wanted my help to expand the number of services he was receiving and he made it clear to me that he does not discriminate against anyone because he believes everyone deserves a funeral service. I found his sentiments refreshing. I worked in harmony with him recently on a high-profile funeral service. He's got open eyes to the needs of the deceased and the loved one's left behind. He has a caring soul.
It's also similar to a message that I received from the former Baptist minister who trained me as a Celebrant. Doug Manning told stories about conducting funerals for prisoners in the jail house because "Everyone deserves a funeral." I agree with Manning's sentiments.
Ultimately, I can't change anyone's mind about discriminating against one person over another. I can't stop people from judging each other. I can't stop bigotry or racism. But I can do my part to step up and be a voice for the voiceless. Segregation of any type will still be segregation.
And then I stumbled upon the film "Bridegroom," A Love Story. Unequaled. It's a documentary directed by Linda Bloodworth-Thomason focused on the story of Tom Bridegroom's life, death, and his funeral. This film has received 3.4 million views and has been translated into over 20 different languages. In my opinion, no one's partner should be cut out of a funeral. But that is exactly what happened in this case as Tom's partner, Shane Bitney Crone, was uninvited to the funeral.
This is the world we still live in... but you are not alone. Watch this film and share it.
Below is the song "Beautiful Boy" performed by singer/songwriter Coleen McMahon in honor of her friend, Tom Bridegroom. This is a must-hear song. Such incredible talent shared for a good man.
Below is the video that started it all... this video from Shane Bitney Crone is powerful.
People should listen.
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